Xander VERSUS The World
by xandermartin98
Summary: This is a retelling of the surprisingly well-written storyline of my criminally underrated Xander VERSUS The World level series in LBP2. If you have LBP2 and haven't played this series from start to finish, you're missing out in my opinion.


(My PSN identification name is xan-con. This is retelling the story of my underrated series of levels in Little Big Planet 2.)

One night, I realized that my friends (Selim Prowler, Ategev Jerk, and Bronydin Purso) had gone missing. They had told me previously that they were going to the underground graveyard, so I left a note for my mom and dad: "Good bye, Mom and Dad. I'm going out to find Bronydin. Selim, and Ategev." I decided to head over there on my bicycle, dodging some trees along the way. Climbing down the concrete stairs and the rusty ladder, I saw that I had reached the graveyard. Everything looked normal, aside from one suspicious gravestone and an underground windmill.

Walking past an old log, I saw a formation of completely rotten trees that looked about to collapse. Standing in the center of the formation was a creepy-looking zombie. He had left a note on his chair: "PLEASE..."

"Please what?" I asked. "Does it have something to do with that weird gravestone?" The zombie nodded.

The formation of rotten trees collapsed as I led him to the suspicious gravestone. When he stood in front of the gravestone, a hidden passageway opened; he fell into the hole and went splat.

Luckily, my boots protected me from falling damage, so I jumped into the hole. I saw that it was a stone tunnel resembling a cursed tomb. I saw that there were videogame-style checkpoints down here. I fell into the spike pit and was painlessly revived by the checkpoint. Jumping over the spike pit, I saw another pit that was far too wide to jump over. Observing the wall, I noticed arrows on it. "Wouldn't hurt to try this..." I thought.

As I walked off the edge of the cliff, I realized that there were invisible platforms over this pit. Crossing that obstacle, I jumped down a shaft and reached the next checkpoint. These next two pits required me to use a grappling hook (which was a power-up) to swing over them. After that, I used some kind of crude warp system to reach what appeared to be a basement. I realized that this was my school's basement.

Suddenly, I saw Mario. "Are you the real Mario?" I asked.

"Yes I am!" Mario replied. "My universe is under attack, and your friends are trapped in it! You must go into my dimension and save the day! Are you up to it?"

"I hope so..." I replied, "cause I'm going in." And with that, I entered the portal to the videogame dimension.

Inside, I was greeted on the phone by a strangely indescribable villain.

"Greetings, my young adversary." the villain addressed me. "I am Dr. Raypulxjeer Obot Nikassertui."

"Why and how are you the bad...GUY?" I asked him. "Unless I'm mistaken, you dress like a crazy woman from another planet. What are you smoking, DUDE?"

"For that matter, what strange medication are you on, DUDE?" Raypulxjeer teased me. "I can read your mind! Don't believe me? Look into my eyes and see! You like to play Little Big Planet, don't you?"

"Whoa, WHAT?" I was shocked.

"I see...your controller is equilaterally balanced by the equivalent weight denominations of its molecular side surfaces and (blah blah blah)" Raypulxjeer rambled.

"OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT!" I yelled.

"You know what they say! The more the merrier!" Raypulxjeer teased.

"I AM RAYPULXJEER, WHO IS HAVING CHORTLES OF GREAT LAUGHTER AT YOUR RAT-FINK FACES!"

"Okay, is the 'ripping off other villains' thing really necessary?" I asked.

"You will snack on my wrath! The spiteful outlive wimps such as you!" Raypulxjeer replied. "I'm going to enjoy conquering the universe from the comforting confines of my space station, the Death Sphere!"

"Don't you mean 'Death Star'?" I asked.

"Just play along." Raypulxjeer replied. "I've already bombarded the Mushroom Kingdom with lasers, missiles, Tails Dolls, subliminal propaganda, et cetera, you name it! Anyway, that's all for now! Ciao!" And with that, he hung up.

A few seconds later, I recieved a voice message from Ategev. Ategev was a slightly stereotypical African American, and in the video game world, he was wearing a literal sun mask and a metal scuba suit. "Yo, listen up...launch a muthafrackin missile to blat-blat dat power majigga, dawg, yeah, muthafracka."

A few more seconds later, Bronydin and Selim gave me a phone call with their conversation. Bronydin was a brony, and in the video game world, he looked like the king of all bronies, with pony ears, a literal pony tail, pony boots, a sun staff, and a moonshine cape. Selim was an angry nerd who irritably refused to admit to this nerd status, and in the video game world, he looked like a shadow clone of Tails The Fox, wearing a nerdy pair of glasses.

"I have a better idea than Ategev's." Selim said.

"What could possibly be more awesome?" Bronydin asked.

"Why not travel into the Death Sphere?" Selim suggested.

"Do you have any Chaos Emeralds, Mr. Prower?" Bronydin teased.

"Shut your mouth." Selim replied. "My last name is Prowler, you moron."

"The fox prowls fiercely but cannot scratch his back," Bronydin joked, "because as the zoopeople are aware of...foxes have no arms with which to scratch their back."

"Bronydin, talking to you is like talking to a dim lightbulb." Selim said. "Geez, I thought real video game characters had crappy sidekicks..."

"Hey, look who's talking!" Bronydin concluded.

And with that, I traveled into the Death Sphere's poorly hidden secret entrance tube using a BEE 2.0 personal space fighter. After blasting my way through the security defenses and entering the outer portion of the Death Sphere, I dismounted the BEE 2.0 and walked straight into the Death Sphere's front door.

I traveled through the main entrance and waste disposal areas of the Death Sphere and blew up a few tanks, then I reached the main part of the ship.

I blew up turrets, dodged lasers and missiles, and took advantage of my unlimited extra lives to outsmart the various obstacles.

After going through another waste disposal area and climbing my way up to the top of this section of the Death Sphere, I reached a tunnel that resembled a giant ear canal.

"A fake ear..." I thought. "This must lead to Raypulxjeer's laboratories..."

I found myself in an alert room with my three companions with a flashing message on the screen.

"The Tails Doll is in the base? OH NO!" we all screamed before jumping down an escape passage. We landed in a large room.

A few seconds later, Tails jumped down to the other side of the room.

We all screamed before realizing that it was really just Tails.

"Nothing like the doll loose inside this building!" Tails exclaimed.

"Tell me, did anyone happen to meet an evil replica of me on the way here?"

"Umm...yes. It killed me." I replied.

"Then we still have a problem." Tails explained. "If that doll manages to get my voice into the hands of a female actress, I can assure you Sonic will NOT like me."

"What, are you president of his fan club?" I asked.

"No...THAT would be Alix Henriol!" Tails answered, slamming a pile of disgusting Sonic cosplay porn photos featuring Alix Henriol onto the floor. "One shudders to imagine what inhuman pictures lie behind the inevitable censoring...what dreams of chronic, sustained nastiness...I'm about to vomit."

"I fear no furry fanfiction, but that...THING...IT SCARES ME." Bronydin related.

""For once in a lifetime, I have to agree with you." Ategev complimented him. "My god, that has got to be the most revolting s*** I've ever seen..."

"And now he's here to f*** US!" Tails exclaimed. "So listen up, boy, or pornography starring Selim's mother will be the SECOND worst thing that happens to you today."

"Anyway, back to the Tails Doll..." Tails continued. "This troll has already breached our defenses. Do you see what he's done to our colleagues! And worst of all, it could be any one of us. It could be YOU! It could be ME! It could EVEN be-"

At that exact moment, Bronydin let loose such a fart that everyone in the room died.

I respawned in what seemed to be the entrance hallway of a golden temple. I made my way past the dilapidated traps and jumped down a pit which led to a strange area with an eerie resemblance to the western Crateria cavern from Super Metroid. I gunned down some Tails Dolls (the place was crawling with them), slipped past a few more, narrowly avoided some spikes, fell down a horrifically dilapidated elevator shaft, snuck through a dark secret passage, and traveled through what resembled a dark and rusty subway tunnel with various eyes staring at me through peepholes.

I found myself in the central laboratory area of the Death Sphere. It resembled the main entrance, except that everything had halfway fallen apart. I narrowly slipped through an assembly line of Tails Dolls, leaped across gaps, dodged treacherous electrical hazards, and found myself in a tunnel with a sign that said LAB: DO NOT ENTER.

Going through a Metroid-style hatch (these were starting to pop up lately), I entered a glass tube with numerous skulls floating around in it.

As soon as I made it through the opposite exit of the tube, the tube was shattered into incredibly sharp pieces by a meteorite; luckily, both exits automatically locked when this happened.

The next hatch had an eyeball, presumably a security camera, on it. It said "I'M WATCHING YOU..." As cheesy as this was, I still found it to be quite scary.

I jumped over yet another waste disposal pit, solved a "flipping chamber" puzzle that was just there for no apparent reason, went through a rusty air vent, and found myself in a disabled emergency elevator room.

I went through the door that was in there and found myself in an incredibly nasty bathroom with a rusty switch.

I pulled it down and reactivated the power to the emergency elevator, which took me up to a tunnel where I had to carry a giant key in Super Mario Bros 2 fashion using a super-strength power-up and use it to unlock more hatches. Using the key, I unlocked one hatch, grinded down a rail, and unlocked two more hatches.

I reached a room with small impact explosives falling from the ceiling. I used the super-strength power-up to throw the explosives into a defensive sponge blockage in the back wall, then I used the gun power-up to shoot the water cap.

The entire Death Sphere flooded, and I had to swim through a spiraling tunnel while dragging the key along with me. I eventually reached solid ground at the very top area of the Death Sphere. After climbing a small tower of tunnels, I blew open the door to an important-looking hall of security cameras.

One of them was loose, so I pushed it onto the button at the end of the hallway; I assumed that the button was a trap.

Sure enough, pushing the button caused a massive electrical short-circuit that dimmed the lights of the Death Sphere.

It also opened another pit, which I jumped down. I had reached the dead end where the leader of the Tails Dolls was hiding, and...I don't know how, but I somehow entered his mind.

His mindscape was full of creepy subliminal messages, dangerous obstacles, and references to things that I had previously done on my journey through the Death Sphere.

I eventually reached an area that was unmistakably a ruined version of lower Brinstar from Super Metroid.

Being more than a little creeped out by this, I made my way through the area, which had not a single sign of life.

After getting a Grappling Hook power-up and swinging across a treacherous chasm, I noticed a hole in the ceiling. I shot my Grappling Hook into the hole and pulled myself up into it.

Surprisingly, there were actually plants in here, along with a thing that resembled Spore Spawn.

I noticed a ball with three eyeballs on it, which was connected to a life-support system. I pulled the ball out of there and rolled it into a tiny wall of exposed wires, which somehow caused the locked gate to explode.

Proceeding through the gate, I jumped down through a floor grate and landed in a room that resembled the ending of Portal.

After solving a brief color-code puzzle, I reached a stone with the word "UNLESS" engraved upon it.

Since I had no other choice, I killed myself and respawned in a fake LBP pod. I jumped out one of the side windows, activated Hover Mode to fly up onto the top of the Pod, and pulled the switches on the left and right wings of the Pod; this flooded the entire area, allowing me to swim up into the exit portal of the Tails Doll's mind. From there, I used a Robo-Rat that was inside his brain for no apparent reason to sneak out of his brain and then scamper straight through his nasal cavity, then I leapt out of his head through his nostril.

Suddenly, I was back to normal size. I was on a slippery platform, in a cage that was rapidly approaching Earth.

The Tails Doll was standing on the side opposite me, and as I observed his appearance I realized something shocking - Raypulxjeer was this Tails Doll all along!

Not even bothering or having enough time to ask questions, I punched him into the forcefield until it broke, then I punched him right off the edge of the platform; presumably, he died. Due to video-game logic, I survived.

I had made it home and was about to give my speech to an audience of video game characters at school, since the dimensions of reality and video games were starting to merge.

"Greetings everyone, this is Xander speaking in this school auditorium, and I would like to thank you all for hearing my speech.

"My adventure was very real and very dangerous, and I saved the virtual and realist dimensions from an evil dictator.

"His name was Raypulxjeer Obot Nikassertui, and he was a laughable and terrible excuse for a villain.

"However, I couldn't have had quite as much fun foiling his plan if my sidekicks hadn't come along with me.

"Everybody give a round of applause to my wannabe heroes; Bronydin, Selim and Ategev!"

All three of them respawned, but they all looked miserable.

"Um...guys?" I asked. "What's wrong? Have I ignored you too much? Are you just afraid to be seen out in public?"

"No." Selim replied; he now looked like an average guy with nerd glasses. "We're just depressed that we missed out on the rest of the adventure after Bronydin GASSED us to death.

"And yes, I also forgot how stupid we look in real life."

"Yo!" Ategev replied. "Didn't we look dumb in the video game world, too?"

"Oh my god, shut up!" Selim begged him.

"I love horses..." Bronydin said gaily. "Also, that beef-bean-cheese-bran-and-broccoli burrito didn't exactly negotiate peace with me..."

"Bronydin," I replied, "some of the stuff I saw in the later parts of my adventure didn't agree with me either.

"Okay, folks, show's over, everybody make sure you don't leave your-"

Suddenly, the lights turned off.

"Flashlights, anyone?" I whispered.

"I'LL BE BACK..." a mysterious voice whispered.

Suddenly, I was all alone again in the dark school. I felt that there was not much time to get out of there; using quick thinking, I avoided touching the rotten cafeteria food, ran through an air vent, ran through the locker room, ran up the stairs, and leapt out the emergency escape window.

I noticed that the Death Sphere was right above me, so I used its entrance teleporter to teleport myself in.

The remains of the place were incredibly dilapidated, and after navigating through all the broken, rusty, moldy junk...I reached the largest staircase in the Death Sphere. There was mysteriously a skull at the bottom of it.

I climbed the massive staircase, ran through yet another hallway, and reached the Tails Doll's royal chamber.

"Die monster!" I bellowed at him. "You don't belong in this world!"

"What is a man?" Tails Doll implored. "A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk! Have at you!"

He teleported from his throne to the floor; with hardly a minute's worth of time left, I grabbed a machine gun helmet and gunned him down without even losing three lives.

Killing the Tails Doll had triggered the Death Sphere's barely functional self-destruct timer, leaving me with no choice but to run as fast as possible and escape using every skill I had learned from my previous adventure and the current one combined.

Jumping into the escape pod, me and my friends fled, no longer caring what was going to happen to the school and its surrounding area since everyone had already evacuated the area.

I woke up in a daze. We...or I, since I was the only survivor - had crashed in some random underground area. Climbing out of the shipwreck, I leapt across some rocky gaps, swung across another gap using a vine, and climbed across some steam pipes; luckily, there were still respawn checkpoints everywhere.

I climbed up some platforms, rode on a device that resembled a ski lift, jumped over a dimly illuminated spike pit in a dark tunnel, and activated a makeshift platform elevator.

From there, I reached a cage elevator which took me up to a temple-esque room. From there, I traveled into the remains of the remains of the Death Sphere.

God, this thing was persistent. After leaping through the various types of lethal wreckage, climbing up some pipes and grabbing a gun power-up...I reached a narrow bridge crawling with Tails Dolls.

Since my gun had infinite ammo, I fired it wildly at the Tails Dolls, killing one after another as I crossed the bridge.

Once I reached the other side, the bridge collapsed and the last of the Tails Dolls died.

I grabbed onto a makeshift hang elevator, which carried me up into a pitch-black tunnel. As I ran through the tunnel, a blood-red message that said "YOU NEED ME" flashed before my eyes. I suddenly heard something chasing me.

I screamed when I saw what it was. It was a horrified Tails Doll with over eight tentacles growing out of its body.

Although it was non-hostile, I ran away from it as possible, screaming while doing so.

I grabbed a skeletal hand, which pulled me out of my nightmare as my alarm clock rang.

I don't know much about what happened the night after that, but according to Ategev and Bronydin...they filmed me naked when I wasn't looking. "Naked, with no clothes on" was how they described it. I always knew they were gay.

The night after that, I found myself in yet another nightmare. I appeared to be on the Cliff That Time Forgot, from Earthbound. Suddenly, I saw the Phase Distorter from Earthbound. It spoke to me.

"HELLO. I AM THE PHASE DISTORTER FROM EARTHBOUND. APPROACH ME IF YOU DARE."

I edged closer.

"JUST A LITTLE BIT CLOSER..."

Okay, I knew this was a trap.

Shivering with fear, I approached the Phase Distorter.

Suddenly, without warning, it transformed into the Phaze Destrortur from Radiation's Halloween Hack of Earthbound!

Even though I was expecting the Phase Distorter to turn into a monster, this still shocked me.

"DIE!" it screamed. Since there was no other escape, I killed myself and woke up in my basement.

"Okay, I'm never sleeping in here again." I thought to myself.

THE END


End file.
